The Little Foxes

Looked like we had another packed house today at Five Stones. I struggled with the message today not because of content but because I tweaked my back. I hope that people took to heart the wisdom found in SOS 2:15. Looks like this is going to be one of our most popular series. Our Vimeo site was really hopping last week. Here are the four deadly foxes that we talked about.

Four Deadly Sins of Marriage. Dr. John Gottman of University of Washington, one of the foremost marriage researchers, claims he can predict with 90 percent accuracy if a couple will divorce. In his storied “love lab,” Gottman studies how couples interact, particularly how they communicate with each other in heated moments. After 30 years of research, he has pinpointed four behaviors that seem to invariably spell disaster in any marriage.

Fox #1: Criticism
The most common horseman that emerges in long-term relationships is criticism. Frustrations, annoyances and resentment inevitably build up when couples live together — day in and day out. And criticism can be how these emotions manifest in the heat of an argument.
Note that criticism differs from complaining. Criticism focuses on the person. Complaining focuses on the behavior. This may seem like subtle nuance but research shows it is a distinction that makes a significant difference in the long term. For example, this is a critical statement: “You always drive around in circles. You are an awful driver with a terrible sense of direction.” These words are dripping with blame and accusation. They are a personal attack.
Unlike criticism, complaining has more to do with how the other person’s behavior makes you feel. Complaining usually begins with an “I” instead of “you”: “I get so frustrated when you are driving and don’t know where you are going.” See the difference?

Fox #2: Contempt
You’re an idiot. You can’t do anything right. You make me sick. These contemptuous words have no place in any relationship you value. They are meant to explicitly humiliate or wound. They are toxic and indefensible. Contempt includes but is not limited to name-calling, hostility and sarcasm. Keep in mind that contempt can also be conveyed non-verbally. An excessively harsh tone or disgusted eye roll can escalate your garden-variety argument into WWIII in the blink of an eye. Avoid contempt in your arguments at all cost. It is the basest, most childish tactic to resort to in a fight. Strive to respect your wife even when you disagree or feel upset with her. Contempt is like a poison. It will single-handedly erode intimacy. It destroys a sense of security and mutual respect. It does real damage because it makes a partner feel belittled and unloved.

Fox #3: Defensiveness
Criticism+Contempt=Defensiveness. Defensive statements become practically an involuntary reflex in homes where contempt and criticism are regular visitors. It is understandable. After all, who wouldn’t put up their guard in response to an accusatory, belittling spouse? Defensiveness is fundamentally a self-preserving tactic.
As understandable as this response can be, it is still hugely destructive. It builds walls. Rather than allow room for connectedness, the foundation for conflict resolution, it tends to breed emotional distance. Defensiveness blocks healing and forgiveness.

Fox #4: Stonewalling
Because stonewalling is not explicitly aggressive, couples often underestimate its destructive potential. But it can be just as devastating to a relationship in its passiveness. It is, in effect, giving up. It is withdrawing emotionally. It is essentially closing the door to a resolution. Stonewallers withdraw partly because they can feel overwhelmed with emotion. They may keep their faces expressionless, avoid eye contact, hold their posture rigid, avoid any signs of listening such as nodding or encouraging sounds. They radiate icy distance and disapproval to their partners.

Now that you know the four deadly foxes you need to commit to wage war against them when they show up in your marriage. God desires for us to be Servant Lovers in our marriages. That means that we are Givers just like our God. SO instead of trying to change your spouse look for the areas that God needs to change in you. If you found this message helpful please pass it along to a friend or invite them to come out to Five Stones next week.